May 22, 2008
To hell with your Oga


With the football season all but over, Steve, 34 and Johnny, 33 are joined by Pascal, 33 over drinks at the Grand Imperial balcony. A recent article in The Weekly Observer is the topic. Steve is particularly riled that girls seem to crown Nigerians as the most romantic species...

Steve: I’m beginning to doubt that the girls know what they are looking for in a man.
Pascal: But are men’s interests well defined?
Johnny: Of course we guys know what we want. It is just that sometimes when we are honest the girls think we are rude.
Steve: Girls are never clear at all. They say one thing and you think you’ve understood yet they actually meant something else.
Pascal: Their love for adventure really scares me. And they always say ‘Ugandan’ men are not romantic they never hold your hands in public blah, blah. Is that the only yardstick for being romantic?
Johnny: Nigerians may be romantic but boy your sister has to be careful. In this world there are people who if they shake your hands, you have to count your fingers to make sure they are still five.
Pascal: Sometimes I think women are like children. She would prefer a crook who flatters her with the sole intention of sexercises than an honest Ugandan...
Steve: I once met a woman who claimed that if you meet a 40-year-old bachelor, you should be worried. A week later the same chic was saying that our 84-year-old former president would be a good catch!
Pascal: And whenever a woman talks ill of a man, just know she has a crash on the guy. That is why you should be very worried if your female boss harasses you. It may be a signal that ‘boy don’t be daft you can melt this boss by being good to her.”
Johnny: Trouble is that this must be done with tact. If it is done in an obvious way, it can lead to a sack.
Steve: There we go again! Or take their clichés on size. One day it doesn’t matter; the next minute they are ranting about men with cigarettes or beepers!
Pascal: Exactly! They complain about smokers. Mbu they would rather endure a man with an anaconda than one with a match stick.
Johnny: It seems that there is no formula with women. Nothing is below the standard for them.
Pascal: Some of them especially the Ofunekas know their limits. That is why they always win and leave the Tatianas on the streets. Ofuneka will never complain about cigarettes or a dry spell. Instead she will nurture the cigarette.
Steve: Well, talk about style and no substance. In the past, it was kikuyu men being hit left right and centre by the girls, mbu they are cute.
Johnny: Now it’s the Ogas’ turn. And don’t be surprised if next year, the Kikuyus are suddenly declared so unromantic...
Pascal: There is also a lot of nugu. One time I had an unmarried friend whose extra-curricular advances I had ignored. She suddenly claimed mbu she had found a super hero in Ghana. But the Ghanaian guy just wanted one for the road and he soon took off.
Steve: Maybe it’s the acute shortage of men in some parts of Uganda that is being felt seriously these days. Otherwise I hear guys from up north are as romantic as the Ogas.
Pascal: I can assure you there is no shortage of men; rather women of substance are scarce, so the men are caressing beer bottles instead...

Laughter as Steve and Johnny exchange a high-five