With the football season all but over, Steve, 34 and
Johnny, 33 are joined by Pascal, 33 over drinks at the Grand
Imperial balcony. A recent article in The Weekly Observer
is the topic. Steve is particularly riled that girls seem
to crown Nigerians as the most romantic species...
Steve: I’m beginning to doubt that
the girls know what they are looking for in a man.
Pascal: But are men’s interests well
Johnny: Of course we guys know what we
want. It is just that sometimes when we are honest the girls
think we are rude.
Steve: Girls are never clear at all. They
say one thing and you think you’ve understood yet
they actually meant something else.
Pascal: Their love for adventure really
scares me. And they always say ‘Ugandan’ men
are not romantic they never hold your hands in public blah,
blah. Is that the only yardstick for being romantic?
Johnny: Nigerians may be romantic but boy
your sister has to be careful. In this world there are people
who if they shake your hands, you have to count your fingers
to make sure they are still five.
Pascal: Sometimes I think women are like
children. She would prefer a crook who flatters her with
the sole intention of sexercises than an honest Ugandan...
Steve: I once met a woman who claimed that
if you meet a 40-year-old bachelor, you should be worried.
A week later the same chic was saying that our 84-year-old
former president would be a good catch!
Pascal: And whenever a woman talks ill
of a man, just know she has a crash on the guy. That is
why you should be very worried if your female boss harasses
you. It may be a signal that ‘boy don’t be daft
you can melt this boss by being good to her.”
Johnny: Trouble is that this must be done
with tact. If it is done in an obvious way, it can lead
to a sack.
Steve: There we go again! Or take their
clichés on size. One day it doesn’t matter;
the next minute they are ranting about men with cigarettes
Pascal: Exactly! They complain about smokers.
Mbu they would rather endure a man with an anaconda than
one with a match stick.
Johnny: It seems that there is no formula
with women. Nothing is below the standard for them.
Pascal: Some of them especially the Ofunekas
know their limits. That is why they always win and leave
the Tatianas on the streets. Ofuneka will never complain
about cigarettes or a dry spell. Instead she will nurture
Steve: Well, talk about style and no substance.
In the past, it was kikuyu men being hit left right and
centre by the girls, mbu they are cute.
Johnny: Now it’s the Ogas’
turn. And don’t be surprised if next year, the Kikuyus
are suddenly declared so unromantic...
Pascal: There is also a lot of nugu. One
time I had an unmarried friend whose extra-curricular advances
I had ignored. She suddenly claimed mbu she had found a
super hero in Ghana. But the Ghanaian guy just wanted one
for the road and he soon took off.
Steve: Maybe it’s the acute shortage
of men in some parts of Uganda that is being felt seriously
these days. Otherwise I hear guys from up north are as romantic
as the Ogas.
Pascal: I can assure you there is no shortage
of men; rather women of substance are scarce, so the men
are caressing beer bottles instead...
Laughter as Steve and Johnny exchange a high-five